Friends, I have been wallowing. I won’t lie to you - I gave in to self-pity this weekend, and it has been terrible. I feel like a weak-minded idiot who can’t control her own thoughts.
This weekend I had to cancel two shows that I had been looking forward to for months. For those of you who know me - booking agents and audience members - you know that I rarely cancel shows. I think I can count the number of cancelled shows I’ve had on one hand.
I always work things out and figure it out, and the show always goes on.
I had surgery last week. It was outpatient, and it was not serious. I took these words to heart, and pushed myself pretty hard to get back on my feet afterward.
I ended up having some pain and complications as a result, which made traveling, carrying gear, and holding a guitar while standing and singing incredibly unrecommended.
I love performing, I love singing, and I love connecting. It energizes and exhausts me at the same time. So to miss out on any opportunity - well, I was upset.
I went through a few years without performing around 2005. They were not so much fun. And I remember this feeling.
I came back to recording/performing/writing knowing that I have to be here. I have to create music to exist. I guess it’s in my DNA.
Canceling shows this weekend meant that I had to head home to my couch. I was forced to stay there and rest, and it was really hard. It sounds ridiculous and it sounds like pouting, but I was so disappointed.
I am usually described as an optimist, people notice my inner joy - and that’s truly who I am. And for some reason - my inner optimist was dealt a little blow this weekend. It was a small flashback to how I felt in 2005.
I wish I had used this weekend as an opportunity to write a bunch of new material, or answer emails, or write thank you notes for my birthday presents - to catch up - that’s what optimistic, driven, Kristen would have done.
Instead I used it to do puzzles, watch TV, and wallow. I did what 2005 Kristen would have done.
Of course, we’re all allowed a break - we need them, but for some reason, this ‘forced break’, really had me feeling…down.
And during this wallowing, the self-doubt monster set to work in my brain. What a jerk that thing is. My head was filled with nasty thoughts.
“You didn’t deserve those shows anyway.”“What kind of musician cancels at the last minute?”“Do you really think you’re good enough to share the stage with ______?” (insert any name of any hero here) “You’re a phony - no one believes your songs.”
Anyway - I’m writing this not to make you feel bad for me, or hope that you’ll take pity on me.
I’m writing this because the cloud is lifting and the fog is clearing. And you know what that means?
My confidence is back.
I work my butt off to book great shows, write great songs and share stories. And I’m worth it.
That’s right - I’m worth it. I deserve the success that I have. I love what I do, and work hard every day to become a better musician, singer, performer and human.
The great thing about this clarity?
I’m back to my optimistic, hopelessly naive self, who believes in the good in everyone and sees the potential in all.
So - here’s my message to you today: you’re worth it.
You’re worth it.
You’re worth it.
Be grateful, be kind, and be yourself...it's who the world needs you to be. And please remember, you're worth it.
Have a great week, Kristen